Reggie can tackle my bush.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The Olympian is in my bed
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