Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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