he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
