I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
