your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
