If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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