you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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