i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
