I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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