a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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