I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Mom said you looked used
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
