dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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