remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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