I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
