But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
