I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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