The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
