i permit you to call me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
