You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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