This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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