piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize