This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We need a shit load of segways right now
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
