This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
