Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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