I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this just has baby written all over it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
