Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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