She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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