Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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