I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
