her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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