so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
