No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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