She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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