so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am mentally ready for anal.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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