He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize