But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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