I'm jealous of your bromance
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
