I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
