ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
