were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
