are you still at the devil's house?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
