im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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