You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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