You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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