the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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