I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
