I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
