Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
