I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
True college students do jello shots in the library
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