whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
