Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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