matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
