Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize