I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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