Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
