The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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