we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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