Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
