Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize