About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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