I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I accidentally had phone sex last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
