Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
