Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i will never coherently bang her
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
