We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
