I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
