I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just had sex on a roof
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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