If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
