I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
