seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
