You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
